Credit: PWH [email protected]

The card hasn't started and I already think this is not a good thing that I paid $30 for this. One match has been added to the card tonight. Kidman vs. Juventud Guerrera! Hallelujah. This card just improved drastically. I also have one suggestion for WCW, if they somehow see this. While Scott Hudson is better than Tony Schiavone on the preshow, I have a team I would much rather see. Chavo Guerrero and Chris Jericho. That is who I want to hear. No one else. No Heenan, no Okerlund, no Zbyszko, no one but those two. They are the only ones in WCW who don't make my ears bleed.

The broadcast team for the event is (surprise surprise) Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan and Mike Tenay. Oh, and if you didn't know, tonight's show will make history. And (unlike every other WCW main event) this is the most important match in wrestling history. AHHH!!! Heenan, Schiavone and Tenay in Hawaiian shirts..... "Goldberg" chant goes up when the "Weasel" chant usually does. Tenay has this goofy smile on his face. He keeps chuckling to himself, looking at the ceiling and nodding his head. YOWSERS! Gene in a white tuxedo. Excuse me, an OFF-white tuxedo. This is already painful. HAVE YOU NO DECENCY? Hotline plug #1 ALREADY!!! Ouch. Eek. Yikes. Erk.

Match #1: SATURN vs. RAVEN w/ Lodi and Riggs (No DQ, Raven's Rules)
Saturn wearing the old Eliminators wrestling trunks. Good, no more jeans. Get back to your normal look. WE WANT KRONUS! I like Raven's new music. This should be a pretty good match. Lodi looks like an idiot. Teehee. Saturn attacks Raven as he enters. Brawling on the floor already. Raven whipped to the railing. To the steel again for Raven. Headbutt by Saturn. Raven sent hard into the safety rail. Saturn chokes Raven out with his own shirt. Raven to the steel yet again. For those of you who missed it the first time... Raven rolled back in. Saturn tried to jump off the rope, but slipped. Landed right on his feet and hit a perfect dropkick. Nice recovery Perry. Drop toehold into an anklelock by Saturn. "Beach Flock" -Lodi's sign. Gutwrench suplex by Saturn. Bodyslam by Saturn. Saturn climbs to the top and misses with a legdrop. Butterfly suplex by Raven. Raven goes under the ring and brings out a table. Tony accurately identifies that large wooden thing as a chair. He sets up the table. He tried to suplex Saturn out, but he got caught and groined on the top. Saturn went for the springboard dropkick, but Raven rolled out of the way and Saturn went tumbling to the floor. Side Russian legsweep into the railing by Raven. Raven rolls him back in and covers for 2. Raven stomps Saturn in the head several times. WE WANT KRONUS! Snap suplex by Raven. Sleeper by Raven. Saturn pushes him into the corner, but Raven slaps it on again. Jawbreaker counter this time by the former Eliminator. Saturn goes to work on Raven with rapid kicks in the corner, finishing with a spin kick. T-bone Tazplex...err...suplex by Saturn. Saturn grabs a chair and brings it in. Vicious chairshot to the forearms of Raven. Springboard turnaround legdrop by Saturn onto the chair for 2. He becomes more and more like his old self with every match. Lodi and Riggs run in and beat him up a bit, until Saturn hits a double belly to back. Saturn tried to springboard off the chair with a dropkick, but Raven pulled Nick Patrick in the way. Both men to the floor now. WE WANT KRONUS! Bulldog into the steps by Saturn. Saturn pulls a second table out from under the ring and sets it up next to the first one. Small "ECW!" chant. Saturn puts Raven on the table, then places one on top of him. Saturn climbs to the top rope. Kanyon ran down and pulled Raven away, THEN Saturn jumped and crashed through the tables. Kanyon raises Raven's hand then gives him the Flatliner reverse Russian legsweep. Kanyon walks away smiling. Saturn is rolled back in, Lodi rolls Raven on top and he gets ALMOST three. Raven sets up the chair again. Drop toehold spot, but Saturn obviously blocked it with his hands. Standing side kick into the chair in Raven's hands, hitting him in the head. Death Valley Driver on Riggs. DDT by Raven for the pin in 10:43. *** Good match. Saturn is really impressive, but they really exposed their spots. A few really weak chair shots that were obviously blocked, and the table bit was off. Still, both men put on a good show. I'd like to see some more Saturn-Kanyon matches, and hopefully we will. Oh, may I add.... WE WANT KRONUS!

Scheme Gene again with Eddie Guerrero. Damn! I want Chavo!!! Eddie should not be the one doing interviews. He has a great attitude, but can't talk. Apparently Chavo has challenged Stevie Ray to a match tonight before he wrestles Eddie. I still want an "Eddie Guerrero is my favorite wrestler" shirt. Do they sell them?

Match #2: KIDMAN vs. JUVENTUD GUERRERA
Hot damn. I can't wait for this one. Hope they give them some time to work. Collar and elbow tieup, no advantage to either man. Series of rights exchanged. Side headlock by Kidman now. Some technical difficulties here with the sounds. Thank God. Shoulderblock by Kidman. Chops by Juvy. Lots of whoos! Spinning headscissors by Juvy. Clothesline to the floor by Juvy. Lodi trips Juvy and pummels him on the floor. Kidman misses a slingshot plancha and nails Lodi. Springboard plancha by Juvy knocks both men down. I love the way he seems to stop in midair there. No Tony, don't talk about the main event. Please. Damn. Nasty Ocean Cyclone suplex by Kidman. Juvy thrown over the top to the floor. Power bomb setup into a throat-first drop across the railing by Kidman. Kidman missed a dive on the floor and hit the steel. Backdrop by Juvy. Get a different camera on this you morons. You're too close. Sunset flip with both men on the ropes to the floor (i.e. a power bomb to the floor) Elbowdrop on the floor by Juvy. Juvy kicks Kidman and sets him on the top buckle. Low blow by Kidman into a top rope spinebuster-type maneuver. Side headlock now by Kidman. Elbows to escape by Juvy. Chop by Juvy. Slam by Kidman but Juvy rolled through for 2. Dropkick by Kidman. Kick to the face by Juvy, and Kidman propels Juvy through the ropes to the floor. Kidman gets caught on the top rope. Kidman gets groined on the top. Springboard hurracanrana by Juvy. 2-count. Northern lights suplex off the ropes (!) by Juvy for 2. Head and arm suplex for 2. Swinging bulldog by Kidman for 2 now. Double leg takedown into a rollup for 2, Kidman bridges out. Juvy driver but Kidman kicks out at 2. Spinebuster again by Kidman. He climbs to the top rope and misses the Seven Year Itch. Juvy climbs to the top and nails the 450 Splash. Juventud scores the pin in 9:55. ***1/2 Very good match. No blown spots. Kidman is a good talent, give this guy some title matches and some chances to develop his interview skills. He could be another Chris Jericho.

Now in the Internet room. Lee Marshall is talking to Konnan. Lee Marshall saying "bowdy bowdy and rowdy rowdy" or however you spell that is just funny. Konnan gives Lee crap over his shirt, and well-deserved.

Match #3: STEVIE RAY vs. CHAVO GUERRERO, JR.
I love Chavo, but no one can make Stevie Ray look good. He's wearing an inflatable tiger around his waist, and carrying a Super Soaker. "Uh oh, here comes Captain Cupcake." -Heenan. Tony comments on the gun. "But the innertube doesn't seem to bother you..." -Heenan. Eddie comes down the aisle with the scissors before the bell rings. Chavo with the mic. "I dedicate this match to my favorite wrestler, Eddie Guerrero. This is for you little trooper!" -Chavo. Stevie trying not to laugh. Chavo poses for Ray. Chavo does a little dance, and then challenges Ray to do the same. He declines. Chavo asks to shake hands, and then falls to the mat screaming in agony. He submits in 1:36. "Eddie, that was for you Eddie. I'm so tired, I'm exhausted. I guess we're wrestling now, huh Eddie?" -Chavo. Excellent booking. No match rating.

Match #4: CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. vs. EDDIE GUERRERO (Hair vs. Hair Match
) Heenan babbling about something. Side headlock by Chavo. Chavo bites Eddie on the butt. Eddie wants to show the bite marks to the ref, who declines. Chavo frustrates Eddie, who kicks the ropes and hurts himself. Eddie brings a chair into the ring. Chavo takes it and sits on it, waiting for Eddie to enter. Eddie offers a handshake, Chavo doesn't go for it. Finally he does and short clotheslines Eddie. Irish whip by Chavo and a BIG back bodydrop. Eddie runs into the corner with his back to Chavo and hugs the referee, and Chavo bites him in the butt again. "That hurts. You ever been bitten on the buttocks?" -Heenan. "No I haven't." -Tony. "You haven't?!?" -Heenan. "Let me see" -Heenan. Dropkick to the knee by Eddie. Dropkick into the small of the back with Chavo leaning against the buckle. Brainbuster by Eddie. Dropkick to the back of the head now by Eddie. Slingshot inside out rolling centon by Eddie. Eddie shoots himself over the top with an axehandle onto Chavo's back. Chavo sent to the steel. Gory Guerrero Special by Eddie. Armdrag escape by Chavo, and a running lariat by Eddie. Camel clutch by Eddie. European Uppercut by Eddie. Chop by Eddie. They should just stop using that move until Flair comes back somewhere. Monkey flip by Chavo. Chop by Chavo. European Uppercut by Chavo, but he misses a twisting bodypress. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Chavo. Eddie throws Chavo to the floor. Chavo to the steel steps. Suplex on the concrete floor by Chavo. Eddie had rolled up the mats. Back into the ring now. "Eddie sucks!" chant. Slam by Chavo, and he climbs to the top rope. Eddie gets up and groins Chavo on the top rope. Eddie climbs up and delivers a beautiful superplex from the top rope. Eddie gets slingshot into the top rope. Frog splash attempt by Chavo, but Eddie got the knees up. Eddie hits the Tornado DDT. Eddie has the scissors already and tries to cut Chavo's hair. Ref takes the scissors. Eddie misses the Frog Splash. Tornado DDT by Chavo. Chavo gets the scissors. He is held back by the referee, and Eddie small packages him for the win in 11:56. ***1/2 Another very good match. They give Eddie the clippers, and Chavo snatches them from him. Chavo says that Eddie should sit down, and then starts shaving his own head. "Try it! Try and cut my hair!" He tries to get Eddie to shave his own head, saying "we'll be twins!". Chavo is hilarious. "What a psycho. He won and doesn't want to cut my hair. He's a wacko." -Chavo. Chavo shoots himself in the mouth with the water gun. "I've got too much gel in my hair!" -Chavo. "He looks like he's going to the chair. I mean Old Sparky." -Heenan. This angle is hilarious, and is some very good booking.

Match #5: DISCO INFERNO w/ Alex Wright vs. KONNAN w/ Lex Luger & Kevin Nash
"Formerly from Brooklyn, New York. He now resides in Funkytown." -David Pinzer introducing Disco Inferno. Disco and Alex try to do Konnan's little spiel. Another funny bit. Large pop for Konnan. Wonder where Sting is. That little speech is just as stupid sounding when Konnan does it as when Disco and Alex do it. Hiptoss by Konnan. Forearm by Konnan, and an armdrag. Drop toehold by Konnan. Sunset flip attempt by Konnan, Disco counters, dances, and gets brought down for 2. Clothesline by Konnan. Disco throws him to the floor where Alex pummels him. Luger racks Alex. Nash comes in and Jackknifes Disco while the ref is distracted. Tequila Sunrise for the submission in 2:17. 1/2* Awful match, but some more funny stuff. Nice to see WCW getting a sense of humor.

Match #6: THE GIANT vs. KEVIN GREENE
Please God let this match be short. No way in hell does Giant way 519 pounds. Why is this match happening? This is just stupid, and a waste of time. I'd rather see Rick Fury vs. Lenny Lane. Greene taps Giant in the face, then hits him with a shoulderblock. BORING. Giant stalks him around the ring, steps over the top rope and Greene kicks the top rope. Greene climbs Giant in the corner and delivers a series of fists. Giant caught him in a bearhug after a few punches and drove him forward to the mat. Elbowdrop by Giant. BORING. "Goldberg" chant goes up. Giant bashes Greene's head against the canvas. Forearm to the back by Giant. Chop to the chest by the Giant. Greene clotheslines Giant over the top rope. Shoulder to the stomach. Headbutt by the Giant sends Greene to the floor. BORING! Greene hits Giant to the rail. MOVE THE CAMERA BACK YOU MORONS. Shouldertackle off the top rope by Greene for 2. Greene goes to work on Giant's knee with clips and kicks. Chokeslam by the Giant. Thank God it is over. Pinfall in 6:58. 0 stars. That was just God awful. Greene has, in the past, had decent people to go against who could make him look OK (Flair, Anderson, Syxx).

Marshall at the internet room with Hennig. Shoot me.

Video package on the Malenko-Jericho situation.

Match #7: "LIONHEART" CHRIS JERICHO vs. ????????? (WCW Cruiserweught Title Match)
Jericho comes out with a tophat and cane. LOL already. They have not announced Jericho's opponent yet, but Malenko is suspended. "I want you to want me!" -Jericho. He says he is going to do a soft shoe routine. Dillon comes out just as Jericho is about to start singing and dancing. Dillon said he found someone local who would wrestle Jericho tonight. Hasn't wrestled in six months. "Chris Jericho equals buyrates" -Jericho. Out comes Rey Misterio, Jr. to a loud ovation. Rey has a big knee brace on. Backdrop by Rey. Dropkick by Rey. Chops against the ropes by Rey. Springboard legdrop to the back of the head by Rey. Rey has bulked up with muscle. Spinning headscissors into the steel by Rey on the floor. Chop by Rey. Jericho clips the knee from the front. Jericho goes to work on the knee in the corner. I think the match is still no DQ. Jericho ran head-first into the top buckle and went to the floor. Rey chased him down the aisle and we have the obligatory brawl in the sand. Jericho is pulled down into the sand castle. Hurracanrana off the lifeguard stand onto the beach! Sand thrown into Jericho's eyes. Flying bodypress, but Jericho rolls through and gets two. Misterio placed on the top buckle. Powerslam off the top rope by Jericho! Jericho grabs a chair and brings it in. Chair shot to the knee by Jericho. Jericho went for a kneedrop off the top onto the chair on Rey's knee, but missed and just hit the chair. Chair shot by Rey. Rey dropkicked the chair into the knee. Faceslam by Misterio. Rey went for a springboard hurracanrana but got dropped in a spinebuster. Lion Tamer attempt by Jericho, but Rey got the ropes. Dean Malenko comes down the aisle. Lion Tamer attempt, but Rey rolled through and got the pin in 6:00. ** Malenko chased Jericho out, and Arn Anderson stopped Jericho from running, so Malenko could nail him. New Horsemen are taking shape. Surprisingly mediocre match. Rey doesn't look to be back to everything yet, and this matchup isn't so great, as Jericho is the biggest of the cruiserweights and Misterio the smallest.

Match #8: BRET "HIT MAN" HART vs. BOOKER T (WCW TV Title Match)
Bret Hart shouldn't be wrestling for TV titles. He should be going after the World Title, or at the very least the US Title. Shove by T. Armdrag by T. Waistlock by T, countered into one by Hart. Hard rights by Hart. Forearm by T for 2. Armwringer and a back kick by T. Snap mare by T for 2. T hiptosses Hart to the floor. Bret hit to the steel. Hotshot on the railing by Bret. Bret rolls T back in. Back elbow by Bret. Headbutt to the midsection by Bret. Spinebuster by T for 2. Clothesline to the floor by Bret. I'm looking for a Benoit appearance here in this match sometime. T hit to the rail and then the steps. Bret rams T back-first into the post. Bret rolls T back in to the ring. Legdrop by Bret. Backbreaker by Bret. Elbow off the middle rope by Bret. This is the same match he always has. Bret is starting to bore me. Russian legsweep by Bret for 2. Kick to the ribs by Bret. Forget starting to bore me, he is boring me. Forearm in the corner by Bret. European uppercuts now by Bret, and a series of stomps. T rolls Bret up with a modified sunset flip for 2. Knee to the midsection and a spinning kick to the face by T. Ax kick by T, and it always looks so good. Pancake by T, and then the breakdance spin. T climbs to the top rope and hits the missile dropkick. Bret gets the ropes JUST before three. Damn. I would have loved for T to get that clean win. T went for a plancha over the top to the floor, and Bret just nailed him with a chair. Two more chair shots on the floor. ref calls for the bell in 8:28. ** Bret continues to go to work on T's knee with the chair. Ringpost figure four by Bret, and T sells it marvelously. Stevie Ray walks down slowly and stares down Bret. Ray enters the ring and bends down over T. Ray tells the trainer that T doesn't need medical attention. Nothing special in this match. Same old same old with Bret.

Video package on Goldberg beating Hogan.

Match #9: CURT HENNIG vs. GOLDBERG (WCW World Title Match)
Ric Flair's title belt around the waist of Bill Goldberg. As if Hogan wasn't bad enough... Goldberg has busted his head open, courtesy of headbutting a steel locker supposedly. Bright, Bill. Real bright. Side headlock by Goldberg, and he clotheslines Hennig into oblivion. Knee to the midsection by Hennig. Chop by Hennig. Bodyscissors takedown by Goldberg and Hennig rolls to the floor. Big forearm by Goldberg. Both feet to the face by Hennig. Gorilla press off the top into a powerslam. Single leg by Hennig and he goes to work on the knee. Goldberg somehow has jumped to 111 victories. Wasn't it 108 Monday night? Chant goes up. Roll through into a leglock by Goldberg. Hennigplex for 2, but Goldberg broke it. Clothesline by Goldberg. Spear. Jackhammer. Pin in 3:51. 1/2 * The usual. I think that's the shortest World Title match ever. Someone please shoot me.

Oh God, here comes what may be the most painful match in all of eternity. And they have way too long for it. Time for some long video packages, I pray. It's only 9:02 by my clock right now. Oh God that was a short promo. How do they fill this time?

Match #10: "HOLLYWOOD" HULK HOGAN & "RODZILLA" DENNIS RODMAN w/ The Disciple vs. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & "THE MAILMAN" KARL MALONE
DDP is actually wearing wrestling tights again, and Rodman is wearing matching ones. I guarantee that will be the most exciting part of this match. Malone is in really good shape. I never thought I would say this, but why couldn't they just put Ed Leslie in the match and let him wrestle instead? Malone and Rodman starting it appears. And the pain begins. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. I am just going to write that whenever I am bored. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Malone goes after Rodman, who runs for the ropes every time. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Test of strength teased, and Malone slaps Rodman's hand away. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Side headlock by Rodman, shot off and Rodman hangs on and bails out to the floor. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Tag to Hogan. Again, never thought I'd say this, but thank God. Posedown between Malone and Hogan. When Hogan is a better worker than half the people in the match, you know you have a problem. Collar and elbow, and Malone with some sort of move that I guess is supposed to be a headlock of some sort. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Slam by Malone. PLEASE TAG DDP. Thank you! Now we'll see something that won't make my eyes bleed. No! Don't tag Rodman! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Collar and elbow, shoved off by DDP. Collar and elbow again, shoved off again by DDP. Sloppy armdrag by Rodman. Announcers all conveniently forget that Rodman threw armdrags last year, too. Once more with the collar and elbow, and again a side headlock. This time by DDP, shot off by Rodman and they collide. Rodman goes down. Side headlock by Rodman. KILL ME! KILL ME! KILL ME! KILL ME! KILL ME! DDP throws him down and covers for 2. I COULD WRESTLE A BETTER DAMN MATCH THAN THIS! Two leapfrogs by Rodman, and they collide midring. 2-count by DDP. Tag to Malone. Malone kicks Rodman in the butt, and he tags Hogan. While this match happens, I will list all the wrestlers under contract to WCW we could have been watching right now. Top wristlock by Hogan. Chris Benoit, Steve McMichael, Public Enemy, Kanyon, Kevin Nash, Sting. Malone powered Hogan down. Rodman with a cheap shot from behind on Malone. Series of fists to the head of Malone. Chokehold by Hogan. Sick Boy, Riggs, Horace, Psicosis, Dean Malenko, La Parka, Alex Wright, Ultimo Dragon. Slam by Hogan. Elbowdrop by Hogan. Tag to Rodman. Elbowdrop by Rodman. Again. Malone gets rammed sloppily into Hogan's boot. Tag to Hogan and a 2. Malone to the top buckle. Fists by Hogan. 2-count again. Hugh Morrus, Barbarian, Bobby Eaton, Johnny Swinger, Tokyo Magnum, High Voltage. Another choke and then a tag to Rodman. Rodman holds Malone for Hogan, who delivers one punch and knocks both basketball players down. AWFUL belly to back suplex. Hogan misses an elbow, and a tag to DDP. Slingshot clothesline by DDP, and a forearm knocks Rodman to the floor. Clothesline by DDP on Hogan. Knee to the back by Rodman and a clothesline by Hogan. Damn, I was hoping that was going to be the end of the match. Hogan whips DDP with his weightlifters belt. Rodman chokes DDP while the ref is distracted. THIS MATCH SUCKS SO MUCH! I WANT TO KILL MYSELF!!! Hogan covers for 2. I think Tenay has fallen asleep. Clothesline in the corner by Hogan. Tag to Rodman. Double big boot. WE WANT LOCH NESS! WE WANT LOCH NESS! WE WANT LOCH NESS! DEVASTATING front facelock by Rodman. Tag to Hogan. Rodman chokes DDP while the ref is distracted. Vertical suplex by Hogan. 2-count. Tag to Rodman. DDP fights his way out of the corner. Again with that brutal front facelock. DDP trying to get out of the hold. Tag made, ref doesn't see it. Big boot by Hogan. Hogan misses the legdrop. Tag to Malone. Clothesline. Again. One for Rodman. Slam on Hogan. Slam on Rodman. Double coconuts with Hogan and Rodman. Hogan headfirst to the buckles. Malone calls for the Diamond Cutter. Big boot by Malone, and he calls for the Diamond Cutter again. Tag to DDP, who nails it. DDP covers, and Malone hits one on Rodman. Disciple runs in and nails his move on DDP, rolls Hogan on top and Hogan and Rodman get the win in 23:47. 0 stars. Diamond Cutter on Disciple by Malone. Diamond Cutter on the referee by Malone. This match gives a new meaning to the word "bad". It was beyond bad.

All in all, it was a typical WCW pay-per-view. The first half was somewhere between solid and very good, and the second half was awful. And when I say awful, I mean awful. WCW can do so much better than this, so why don't they?